Friday, February 27, 2015

Darkest night

Darkest night

Today is a dark night.

You can't make out your hand in front of you face.
All about you swims blackness in static fuzz 
you open and close your eyes to ensure that they are in fact open.

I am afraid. 

I wish I were a burrowing animal,
I could reverse backward into an earthy hole
but there is nothing to receive me.

This landscape is totally foreign,
no landmarks to reach out a shuffling hand to and recognise 
nothing to bump into or rebound off.

How do I live in this new landscape?

How to be me with 
this new-knowing-nothing, 
trusting nothing that was once in the marrow of my bones.

My maps all up in smoke
little soft grey ashes uselessly smouldering.

It isn't just me moving into blackness; 
in my womb I carry my growing child.

I ought to know,
I ought to be brave.
But where my heart, my couer, my courage, once was is a dull empty ache.

I go walking into the blackness, 
bumping into nothing.

~ Lauriane Neave
How I feel today with dad's stage 4 cancer and being 16 weeks pregnant.

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